Cotton House

Please don’t go to the Cotton House on Mustique. Really. I’m serious. Even writing this review is a torture because reading it means you know about the place. Maybe just sail past this Caribbean island or fly over it. A cursory check on Google Earth would be a great option. Honestly, there’s no need to visit – no need at all.

I first went there in 1991 – with the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen – and, on the way back, decided to pretend I’d been to Barbados instead. The last thing you want is other people going and spoiling what’s unique about this boutique Caribbean hotel. I’ve been a dozen times now, and can say with authority that you wouldn’t like it. So please don’t go.

The Cotton House has just 19 guestrooms and sits in 20 acres of open gardens, which reach down to a thin strip of white sand before melting into the clearest turquoise Caribbean waters, which teem with fish right up to the shore. Its 17th century cotton-plantation house is home to the beautiful Great Room, in which you can read or play backgammon, indulge in a spot of afternoon tea, simply people-watch, or sit and stare dreamily at the ocean. There’s also a beach bar where movies are shown outdoors each week on a big screen in the evening, and a free weekly cocktail party. Very swish indeed.

Some basic facts to put you off a little more: this boutique hotel is actually the only one on Mustique besides the Firefly guesthouse, which incidentally has a fantastic restaurant (try the ceviche). Mustique covers just 1,400 pristine acres, and is part of St Vincent and the Grenadines, 100 miles west of Barbados. The Queen is head of state while the currency is pegged to the US Dollar – a good thing right now if you’re coming from Europe.

If you’re feeling energetic, you can play tennis, football and cricket. Or, for the romantically inclined, you could horse ride through the gently lapping surf. Hire a boat to try a spot of macho Hemingway-style deep-sea fishing or discover some of the world’s finest scuba diving in the Tobago Cays Marine Park. Alternatively, take a picnic to the beach – or rather have one set up for you there by the people at Cotton House. You could hike miles of trails or drive a quirky little Mini Moke to one of the island’s nine beaches. If there’s someone else there, don’t worry, there’s certain to be a completely empty one just round the corner.

The island has about 90 private houses and their owners form the Mustique Company, which runs the place like a mediaeval kingdom; they make their own laws, run their own customs checks, raise their own taxes and are responsible for all of Mustique’s water, electricity and champagne supplies. The owners themselves are more famous than the island – Mick Jagger, Felix Dennis, Bryan Adams, Shania Twain and Tommy Hilfiger are currently in situ, while Princess Margaret, Lord Lichfield and David Bowie are among the glittering array of former residents.

Don’t go to this Caribbean island at all at Christmas because Hugh Grant, Amy Winehouse, Pierce Brosnan, Raquel Welch, Sting, Stella McCartney and Naomi Campbell will all try to get to the Cotton House buffet before you do.

Enough of why you shouldn’t go – here’s why you, ahem, should. Mustique is the French word for ‘mosquito’. Apparently, the island is roughly shaped like a mosquito, but I don’t think that’s the only reason for the name; the place has thousands of the blood-sucking swines. And sand flies, too. And don’t forget the deadly ‘no-see-ums’, whose name needs no explanation. Granted, a spot of repellent spray in the day and a mosquito net over the bed at night deals with 99 per cent of them, but you will get bitten a few times, guaranteed.

Also, the airport has no landing lights – homeowners don’t go in for pollution of any kind, baulking at intrusive lights and noisy little planes interrupting their aperitifs – so no aircraft land after dusk, which is about 5.30pm. This means you have to time your arrival and connection in Barbados or Antigua carefully to accommodate this. More than once I’ve had an unwanted night on a nearby island because my flight landed too late to make the connection.

So, what is so unique about Mustique that I don’t want you to spoil? Despite its reputation for glamour and celebrities, this is a real ‘no shoes, no news’ kind of place. Forget your BlackBerry, there’s no business centre at Cotton House and you won’t want to work anyway. If paradise doesn’t suit you then you’re not going to like it here. Other than that, Mustique is whatever you want it to be – sociable or private, relaxing or busy, suitable for honeymooners or families alike. And that’s the point. True luxury is having a place that is what you want it to be, when and how you want it to be. And that’s unique.