SO Berlin Das Stue

There was the usual signage around the pool, albeit a little classier than the traditional ‘no running, no bombing, no heavy petting’ cartoons redolent of the municipal baths of our youth. We moved up to the sauna. ‘No bathing costumes’ suggested the illustration. Ha ha. Those Germans and their zany sense of humour. We pulled open the door and: Oh! Turns out: not a joke. There’s a lady sitting in there completely starkers with full-on nudey bits. Hot. Steamy. Uncomfortable. In shock, these prudish Brits ran and jumped into the pool. No heavy petting though. Not there anyway.

‘Das Stue’ – sounds wonderfully German, doesn’t it? Say it with me: Das Stue. Yeah, it’s Danish and it means ‘living room’. In fact it is so Danish, it’s the Royal Danish Embassy. Or at least this 1930s-built Nordic Classicism beauty was until they gutted the place of flunkies wafting about proffering trays of Ferrero Rocher and turned it into a sizeable hotel of 79 rooms with 22 suites. It’s as achingly hip as a geriatric ward. Monsieur, with this luxury you are really spoiling us.

What the Spanish owners haven’t done is spoil this grand old building. Gold star to the architects and interiors doyenne, Patricia Urquiola. As first impressions go, Das Stue boasts the most impressive entrance since Pippa Middleton sashayed into Westminster Abbey. Marble staircases frame the high-ceilinged hallway. A spectacular light sculpture hangs down over an enormous alligator’s skull, jaws agape lending an idea of how the Natural History Museum might look as a hip hotel. And you can see right the way through to the buzzing bar’s panoramic windows that back onto Berlin Zoo. Yes, here at Das Stue, you’re guaranteed a true bird’s-eye ogle of living-and-breathing beasts that include full-size feathery-flanked ostriches.

‘Sir, you have been upgraded.’ Five of the most beautiful words in the English language. Our room wasn’t a room, it was a loft apartment with so much floor space we could have performed some gymnastics. Mrs Smith was doing cartwheels with glee. We looked out the window and could see some gazelles and a couple of ostriches down below, as you do. Quite literally a room with a zoo.

We’d pre-booked full body massages to have soon after arrival in order to hasten the transition into relaxation mode – a little trick of ours in order to maximise the benefits of a short weekend away. It’s a Susanne Kaufmann Spa at Das Stue. That didn’t mean a great deal to me I confess, but we now know she is a big noise in the quiet world of German pampering. The relaxing effects of her signature massage were, however, somewhat undone by the aforementioned shock in the sauna straight afterwards. Had we been in the mood for more group activity, the spa also hosts yoga classes and group runs in Tiergarten Park.

Giggling, we padded back up to our suite in our robes via a grand staircase with landings that double as libraries. The walls that are not lined with books showcase tasteful vintage black-and-white ’50s and ’60s fashion photography from the likes of Helmut Newton. No Athena posters here; these prints are all part of the owners’ private collection.

Back in the loft apartment. Our bed was so big and comfortable it had its own time zone. I sat on it to play with the pad that controlled the Apple entertainment system while Mrs Smith ordered up two Aperol spritzes and ran a bath. In this sense, it felt very much like home.

The decor is a chill-out mix of muted colours with lots of both dark and blonde wood – but with flashes of colour in the cushions, rugs and artwork. The furniture combines design classics and more modern pieces that somehow work well together. This design fusion continues in the bar downstairs where neon wire sculptures of zoo animals – a giraffe, a couple of chimps – sit among quirky pieces of statement furniture. As for the ear candy, on Friday and Saturday nights, well-known DJs are drafted in to get the party started.

Adjacent to the bar is the main restaurant, one of Berlin’s best, called ‘5 – cinco by Paco Pérez’ which is overseen by the four-times Michelin-starred Catalan chef and protégé of Ferran Adria. His avant-garde 20-course experience menu is a sensation of molecular gastronomy – designed to tickle all five senses – which explains the thinking behind ‘Cinco’, sister to Miramar, in Llançà, Spain.

If foams and spheres are not your bag and you want more everyday fare at more affordable prices, there is The Casual restaurant rustling up mod-Med cuisine with a Catalan flavour. However, we felt like we really ought to venture outside so for lunch on our second day, we ambled all of three minutes’ walk into the leafy, green Tiergarten Park, where the Electors of Brandenburg once went a-hunting – the lungs of Berlin – for a pizza alfresco in the park at an idyllic spot overlooking a lake at Café Am Neuen See. At the next table? Yep, naked sauna woman. This time wearing clothes.