Fast-track 1: Ready, jet-set, go

Use these sneaky time tips for faux first-class-ness. For a smooth, silver-spoon-special trip, travel on Tuesdays or Wednesdays, they’re the quietest days at airports, with fewer annoying queues, delays and screaming children. You’ll be able to slip through check-in super-quickly. For the comfiest, most spacious plane seats, book as early as possible (December is the quietest time for agents, meaning you’ll have more attention lavished on you). Knowing the seat hotspots before check-in helps too – www.seatguru.com has a handy plan of the best seats on every plane in many airline fleets. 

Fast-track 2: Pop some style in your weekender

Crank your luxury dial up to maximum and make your journey a whole lot smoother – with a bagful of your favourite creature comforts. The white-hot new O2 Cocoon is a mobile phone, camera, MP3 player and radio rolled into one – saving precious space in your travel bag. (On sale at various prices depending on the tariff and available from O2 stores and online at www.o2.co.uk). Noise-cancelling headphones have been distributed in first and business class cabins for years; now you can buy your own and block out your travel neighbours with an even smarter fold-up version: the BOSE QuietComfort 3 Acoustic Noise Cancelling headphones (available at www.bose.co.uk or via +44 (0)800 0859021, for £275). And if you fancy splashing out on a quintessentially British bag for your trip, SilverSmith and GoldSmith members are exclusively entitled to 35 per cent off Mulberry and 30 per cent off Bill Amberg. Time for a luggage upgrade?

Fast-track 3: Refuse to carry your own bags

Ditch the entourage of unwieldy cases and back-breaking bags: forward your belongings on ahead of you and saunter through check-in sans luggage instead. From £49 within Europe,  First Luggage (+44 (0)8452 700670; www.firstluggage.com) will collect cases from your home and FedEx them straight to your hotel – keeping your hands free at the airport to buy a new Hermès leather trim weekender, of course. To send cumbersome sports gear ahead, Personal Porter also offers door-to-door deliveries, trackable by SMS (+44 (0)870 720 7676; www.personalporter.co.uk).

Fast-track 4: Arrive in style

Hide behind oversized shades and sit back while your chauffer whisks you to your destination. Signing up to BlackSmith, GoldSmith or SilverSmith membership entitles you to 20 per cent off at Chauffercar. Go to Members for more information. If you really must drive yourself to the airport, use the ‘meet and greet’ valet parking service. Simply chuck them your car keys when you arrive at the terminal and they’ll park your car while you catch your jet. You’ll save around 45 minutes of faffing for just a little more than the cost of the car park. See www.purpleparking.com, or compare prices and facilities at www.parking4less.co.uk. GoldSmith and SilverSmith card holders also receive automatic first class upgrades on the Heathrow and Gatwick Express; plus Goldsmith members benefit exclusively from Eurostar Leisure Select special fares – a first class ticket for less than most standard fares, finally.

Fast-track 5: Pull rank at the airport

Breeze through passport control and wait for hordes of sweaty travellers to hiss at you leapfrogging their queues – with IRIS (Iris Recognition Immigration Security). This is an automated eye-scanning machine that takes a photograph of your iris and stores the pattern in a secure database. Once your eyeballs are safely enrolled you can speedily enter the UK through immigration control via an IRIS barrier, as a camera reads and recognises your eye patterns. Crossing the barrier takes approximately 20 seconds – and beats standing behind passengers from the last twelve 747s in immigration hall hell. Enrol next time you’re waiting for a flight at Heathrow, Gatwick, Manchester or Birmingham; it’ll be the best five minutes you’ll spend waiting for a flight (www.ind.homeoffice.gov.uk/applying/iris). 

Fast-track 6: Lounge before you launch

Book any flight with two or more nights’ accommodation through the GoldSmith and SilverSmith travel concierge service and you’ll automatically gain free access to one of 22 UK airport VIP lounges. Once inside the inner lounge circle, you can use and abuse the free drinks and snacks, comfy sofas and flatscreen TVs while waiting for your flight – even if you’re flying economy class. For a nominal fee, you can enjoy access to more than 100 international VIP airport lounges too. So if your flight is delayed, or you have a thumb-twiddlingly long transfer time, all you’ll have to do it sit back and enjoy the hospitality. To find free WiFi hotspots at airport terminals, go to www.atlarge.com – and to pinpoint almost 10,000 more access points around the globe, click on www.jiwire.com.

Fast-track 7: Bag your upgrade

Ask for the leg-stretchingly roomy seats on the front row of economy class. Why? Because cabin crew often ask people sitting here if they would be happy to swap seats with families with small children. Your answer: ‘Of course. Is there room in business class for me?’ Ooh, so calculated. We like. And don’t forget: the common assumption is that early check-inners nab any seat upgrades on offer. Not necessarily so. As the end of the check-in queue approaches, crew have more of an idea of who has turned up for the flight and who hasn’t, meaning they can bump you up safe in the knowledge you won’t be stealing someone else’s seat. Oh, and one last trick to ensure you’re served your food before everyone else: order a special or vegetarian option (or simply tweak a regular dish slightly), and they’ll deliver your piping hot food first. Sneaky.

Fast-track 8: Order a baby bundle

If there’s one thing worse than lugging a caseful of leaking sun cream on holiday, it’s leaving the factor 30 at home – and then arriving at a middle-of-nowhere, not-a-shop-in-sight destination. Cue the first-class and very cunning baby bundle pre-ordering service: tinytotsaway.com. All you have to do is click and buy nappies, baby food, eco-friendly wipes and sun cream at www.tinytotsaway.com – then they’ll deliver them directly to your hotel or villa. They’ll also pop games, clothes and first aid kits into your bundle too, so you can forget all about irritating luggage restrictions and excess baggage costs. Pure hassle-free, suitcase-sidestepping genius.

Fast-track 9: Give your luggage some love

There is roughly nothing first-class about unpacking and washing your smalls after a long trip. So request a little star treatment – arrange for someone else to do it. Dry cleaners-to-the-queen Blossom and Browne’s Sycamore (020 8552 1231; www.blossomandbrowne.com) are now offering the Jet Set Service: they collect your luggage, launder all your holiday essentials, then re-pack and return them as good as new. The scent of freshly laundered linen at the end of a journey: one of life’s little luggage luxuries. Similarly, Jeeves offer a service where they unpack, sort, launder and dry clean all your luggage post-holiday ready for collection within the week (020 8809 3232; www.jeevesofbelgravia.co.uk).

Fast-track 10: Snap up the smartest Smith offers

Finally, stir up a little first-class envy amongst fellow hotel guests by calling in a Smith favour or two. As a member of Mr & Mrs Smith, you automatically qualify for treats and discounts at all our hotels. No ifs, no buts – they’re all yours. Here’s a pick ’n’ mix assortment of some of the finest freebies available to you right now… 25 per cent off room rates at Zeavola in Koh Phi Phi; a 10-minute helicopter ride over the city at I Qs in Venice; 30 per cent off ski hire for your whole group at Aurore or Boréale in Méribel, Hermine in Courchevel and Ferme du Moudon in Les Gets; a free speedboat lesson for every guest on Norman Cook’s yacht Barracuda in Sardinia; 20 per cent off all spa treatments at Cliveden in Berkshire; and a Rick Stein hamper for up to 20 guests at Beachmodern No. 28 in Cornwall.