THE ROMANTIC ESCAPE, WITH FRIENDS IN TOW

Problem You’re self-conscious about ‘amorous noise pollution’.

Symptoms Headboards thumping walls, gasps of delight in the night… there are some things your closest pals need not hear.

Solution Put the barn that sleeps six of your closest friends and family on ice. You two need to get a room. Rent a cottage in the middle of nowhere. There will be no one but yourselves to hear your erotic noise pollution, meaning you can blast out Barry White and splash around in the hot tub to your hearts’ content.

We have just the place... The ultimate break for romance-junkies, intimate Cotswold Mead Cottage in Wiltshire provides total seclusion for noisy lovers, whilst the Cornish hilltop apartments at The Cove offer the perfect combination of windswept seclusion and hotel-style luxury.

THE FAMILY CELEBRATION

Problem A sulky teenager is ruining all the fun.

Symptoms Ears stuffed with iPod, face glued to, er, Facebook and eyes rolling at every comment.

Solution Force them up off their backsides and into the sea. Not literally into the sea, but onto a boat and out into the briny ocean. That salty air will do wonders for their pasty complexion – and once you tell them great white sharks have been sighted off the coast of Britain this year, there isn’t a teenager alive who won’t immediately try to spot one. Although if they do, and they’re the Marilyn Manson fan type, make sure they don’t throw themselves in.

We have just the place... A party house with plenty of roaming opportunities and distractions is in order. Victorian seaside villa Beachmodern in Cornwall is just a stroll from the beach, or for older teens Hollywood-glam Berkeley House in the Cotswolds is just a five-minute sneak from various bars and pubs.

THE HEN BREAK

Problem Getting so drunk on the first night that you’re bed-bound for the rest of the holiday.

Symptoms Lying on the floor while crooning into the microphone; the karaoke has been going on that long.

Solution Favour activities that preclude the ingestion of alcohol and offer pampering and princess-style grandeur instead. Then drink the next evening, of course.

We have just the place... Modernist hideaway Pencalenick House overlooks the Fowey estuary and offers supreme levels of princess-ness: a private beach, access to a wine cellar (hey, you can drink a bit, right?) and a personal chef. Alternatively, Wild West-style barn conversion in Norfolk, Cliff Barns, has a great dressing-up box, so if you must have a hedonistic first night, at least the photos of you kitted up as a giant karaoke cowgirl  leaked on the internet will be worth it.

THE WEDDING ANNIVERSARY

Problem Last year’s celebration was, well, a bit disappointing, frankly – so the pressure’s on to avoid another romance-dampening wash-out.

Symptoms Partner repeatedly – and pointedly – asking  if ‘we should keep it low-key, like we did last time', without the trace of a smile.

Solution Sometimes, a grand gesture is the only romance-remedy. Learn from the previous anniversary-killer and plan an ‘extreme’ break; whether that’s a trip to an edge-of-the-earth remote hideaway, a blindfolded drive to a surprise city break, or a push-the-boat-out jaunt on a private yacht.

We have just the place... The minimalist Sixties' city apartments at Staying Cool in central Manchester are full of romantic and retail promise. Or for real dinner-party name-dropping potential, the wooden pirate ship Barracuda belonging to Norman Cook and Zoë Ball is ready for you to set sail.

THE FIRST HOLIDAY WITH NEWBORN

Problem Constant feelings of utter exhaustion.

Symptoms Bags under eyes. Bags over eyes. Bags completely and utterly obscuring eyes. Repetition of phrases like ‘You don’t regret it, do you?’ and ‘I was perfectly happy to wait a couple of years.’

Solution Many of the Smith & Friends properties provide babysitting, fridge-stocking services, catering, highchairs, cots and baby-listeners. When self-catering, take advantage of every added extra provided; thus avoiding matchstick-propped eyelids after sleepless nights.

We have just the place... Eco-friendly farm Mesmear offer highchairs, cots and plenty of toys and games, whilst family-friendly Lamper Head – a boutique Devonshire barn surrounded by extensive gardens – offer much-needed catering to parents too sleep-deprived to cook.

THE 40TH BIRTHDAY PARTY

Problem Birthday boy/girl struck by moroseness at the passage of time.

Symptoms Constant repetition of ‘God, can you believe we’ve been friends for 20 years?’ and ‘Look at this wrinkle’ type phrases.

Solution Encourage excitement and activities that promote feelings of youthful vigour. (Do not, under any circumstance, sit in a silent living room reminiscing over old photo albums, making hot chocolate and catching up on early nights.) Big groups of friends will help distract miserable birthday victims.

We have just the place... Drag 15 pals to lochside Scottish house The Lodge for bagpipes at dinner time and plenty of whisky (afternoon tea in the tree house will soon help you forget your age). Or head to the most glamorous town house in the Cotswolds, Berkeley House – for three storeys of Hollywood-meets-Georgian fun. Together with two extra properties, it can sleep up to 30 of your favourite friends.

THE BOYS’ WEEKEND AWAY

Problem Deciding on ‘activities.’

Symptoms Clamorous racket in which words like ‘PAINTBALLING!’ or ‘CRAZY GOLF!’ can occasionally be made out above the swearwords and requests to just head for the nearest lap-dancing venue.

Solution Take command and lay down the law with a pre-decided, neatly typed itinerary of bloke activities. Alternatively just select a cottage, barn or house that will pre-book it all for you.

We have just the place... The riverbank Scottish hideaway Ness River Lodge can organise fly fishing for salmon and trout, before you warm yourselves up for an evening’s imbibing, with some whisky tasting – or go out in search of the Loch Ness monster. Which is certainly more interesting than lap-dancing. Alternatively, head to Cornish apart-hotel The Cove, which…drum roll…has its OWN BAR.

THE POST-WEDDING CARRY-ON

Problem Wanting to continue the party back at your hired house after the wedding reception is over.

Symptoms Desperately searching through cupboards for any alcohol that previous occupants may have inexplicably left behind, slurring, ‘Booze! Must have BOOZE!’ a lot.

Solution Ensure that, before you have departed for the main event, you have deposited a stash of ‘emergency wine’ at the house, awaiting your return. Most Smith & Friends properties will pre-stock the wine rack for you, so there’s no excuse not to continue toasting the happy couple well into the night.

We have just the place... Cornish barn conversion, Mesmear has a well-stocked honesty bar with everything you could ever need, whilst Quaker Hall Barns have thirst-quenchingly great links with local off-licenses offering free delivery. Bingo.